Life full when spouse serves overseas in military

By: Katrina Geenevasen

Jessica Crouse misses cutting her lawn.

The normally mundane task is a luxury for this 28-year-old Napanee native. There simply is no time.

Crouse’s partner Justin Jobin is an aerospace technician for the Canadian military. His job takes him away from his home, and his family, often.

Crouse, a stay-at-home mother, supports her partner’s decision to join the military, but time for herself has become virtually non-existent.

“With three kids, it’s really hard,” said Crouse. “I’m always constantly having to be the one person and not getting any time to myself, even to have a shower. It’s okay, but it’s hard. It’s hard to be the only person in the house, to never have a break, and to always do the laundry, and the cleaning, and the garbage. Everything has to be done by me, so it’s tough.”

Crouse is not alone. According to the Canadian Forces, there are currently more than 3,000 Canadian soldiers, sailors and Air Force personnel deployed overseas on operational missions. On any given day, about 8,000 Canadian Forces members are preparing for, engaged in, or returning from an overseas mission.

And that’s just counting international missions.

More than 9,000 members of the Canadian Forces patrol Canada’s coasts and monitor its skies, lead search and rescue missions, assist civilian rescue authorities with disaster relief, and protect Canada’s sovereignty.

This makes Crouse only one of the thousands of military wives who are left behind when husbands and partners are away.

“I have no time for myself,” said Crouse.

Even taking a bath is an indulgence with two-month-old Amelia to take care of, and two other children demanding her constant attention.

“I’ve have not had not had a bath since Amelia was born. It’s a quick, 30-second shower, as quick as I can have one. The only time I really get is after 7:30 when the big kids go to bed, and the baby sits in the bassinet, and I sit in the bed beside her and pat her back, and that’s how I get my ‘me’ time.”

Erin Anthony has similar time limitations.

A mother of two young boys and the wife of Canadian Forces member Wayne Anthony, Erin said sometimes being a military wife is tough.

“There are times when Wayne gets home from a trip and doesn’t bother unpacking his suitcase because we know he’s leaving again in two or three days or a week, and he just doesn’t see the point in unpacking his suitcase,” said Anthony. “I find that really hard, because I know that that’s our life right now. And I get exhausted sometimes.”

For these women, and others like them, getting the support they need is important. This is where the Military Family Resource Centre comes in.

A community-based, not-for-profit organization, the centre was established to provide information, support, and referral for Canadian Forces families. It has programs designed to meet the needs of CF families and to give them opportunities to enhance their quality of life.

Terry Telford, marketing and public relations coordinator at the Kingston military family resource centre, said the centre provides support and counseling.

“We’re essentially here to support every facet of family life,” said Telford. “It doesn’t have to be the kind of thing where you have to have a problem before you come here, it’s the kind of thing where you can tap into our services no matter at what point you are in your life.”

Denise Rochat began using the centre when she first married her husband, military pilot Marcel Rochat, 19 years ago.

A new bride, Rochat was not only away from her family for the first time, but she was also learning what military life was all about.

The time apart from her husband was the most challenging part of all.

“It was a very, very difficult time for us,” said Rochat. “Early in our marriage, when we didn’t have children, I didn’t have anything else to focus on.”

It continues to be difficult today.

“There’s always some different aspects to it, the level of danger is always there, and something that your cognizant of. And being a mom, you have to be concerned about your husband overseas, you have to be concerned about your children, and then you think about yourself and what you’re going through.”

Rochat refers to what is called the emotional cycle of deployment.

“It’s something that every military spouse experiences when their spouse is away on deployment,” said Rochat. “When you find out your husband is going to go away, you feel very anxious, you may even be in a bit of denial that he’s actually going to go, and you hope he doesn’t go.”

Eventually, Rochat said “reality” kicks in, and it comes time to start preparing for the deployment.

Right before the deployment is about to take place, there is an emotional separation.

“It’s like, ‘I’m done already, would you please just go? It would be so much easier if you would just go now.’ Because the day he leaves is the hardest, of course. And then after that you’re quite blue, and you’re just concerned about him, wondering if he got there alright and wondering how you’re going to cope, and how it’s going to go  for the next six months.”

But Rochat said it’s something every military partner experiences to some degree.

“It’s good to know this is a normal process, that other people go through it. It does not mean that your marriage is breaking down, or you’re going crazy, that’s just part of the military lifestyle.”

Right before the deployment is about to take place, there is an emotional separation.

“It’s like, ‘I’m done already, would you please just go? It would be so much easier if you would just go now.’ Because the day he leaves is the hardest, of course. And then after that you’re quite blue, and you’re just concerned about him, wondering if he got there alright and wondering how you’re going to cope, and how it’s going to go  for the next six months.”

Although Jobin does not leave for Afghanistan for months at a time like Rochat’s husband, Crouse can relate to the feelings of loss. A week after the birth of their newest daughter, he had to leave for several weeks.

“I just sat on the couch and I cried,” said Crouse. “I thought I should have gotten him to take time off. I didn’t realize how much I would actually need him here with an infant. But by the week he got home, I was fine. It probably took about three weeks of him being gone before I figured out I could do it by myself without him here.”

Rochat said developing a routine just comes naturally for military spouses, mainly because they don’t really have a choice.

“After that, you’re kind of on your feet again,” said Rochat. “You get used to him being gone, you gain a little but of independence, and things get sorted out. You start  a new routine.”

As it gets closer to the homecoming, a “great excitement” fills the air, said Rochat.

“You’re preparing things, you’re getting the house all clean, you’re getting set because you want his homecoming to be perfect, so it’s a little but of anxiousness as well.”

But it’s not always the romantic homecoming the media makes it out to be.

“You’ve changed while your husband is gone, your children have grown and changed, and your husband is experiencing things that you couldn’t possibly understand, so he’s changed as well,” said Rochat. “It takes a long time to reintegrate and come back as a team because in his absence, you’ve been handling everything yourself.”

Rochat says reestablishing routine can be hard.

“Now you have to integrate him back into the family. And that’s reestablishing roles and responsibilities again, so it can be quite a rocky road when they return home.”

While being a military spouse comes with its challenges, these women feel that in some way, they too are part of the military.

“I’m happy to see him happy in his career and I’m more than happy to stand beside him and support him through it all,” said Anthony. “And in a way, I’m serving too, because it gives him great comfort to know that while he’s out doing what’s on his heart, I’m back home, holding down the fort, and I know he’s helped a lot of people, and he really enjoys it.”

Crouse has similar feelings.

“He said to me the other day that he loves to get up and go to work. And that’s what makes me happy. It makes him a different person. And it provides for our family, so that makes it worth everything.”